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Seeking Yet Undeserving-The Journey of a Little Maiden for Jesus

[Not my picture. Randome pic from the internet.]

[Not my picture. Randome pic from the internet.]

(Philippians 1:9-11)

And this I pray, that your love may abound yet more and more in knowledge and in all judgment;

That ye may approve things that are excellent; that ye may be sincere and without offence till the day of Christ;

Being filled with the fruits of righteousness, which are by Jesus Christ, unto the glory and praise of God.

(KJV)

I’m so sorry to do much the same thing as I did last time in my previous article! But I have been so touched by the fellowship I have received and yet grieved by the lack thereof in the Church at large that I must post more about this subject. But, first, I must confess…

Indeed, it has been a rather hard time for me. As of the past several months, I have fallen into an unescapable depression. I have had times of joy, but my spiritual life (though I grow in knowledge) has been at a standstill. I have hardly felt the presence of God or that He hears my prayers (the truth be told, I struggle to pray). I have seen little to no fruit in my life. Perhaps my eyes are blinded by dark powers to discourage me. I have thought much on depressive topics like blaspheming the Holy Spirit and death and suffering. I have been driven near mad with these things, yet I remember Job. How I do always question God! I wish it were not so, yet I also wish things were…more comfortable.

After having met you all, I have felt a spark of hope reach my longing soul. I have seen a little life in my dead bones. I have seen a little light cast upon my darkened heart. I have been needing (desperately needing) this fellowship and encouragement. How far can one go in one’s spiritual life when they are in such heaps of riches and pleasures daily? It is true, sadly, that it is hard for a rich man to enter into the kingdom of heaven. I have wished that I had been born poor that I might not have to so strongly fight this overwhelming clinging to comfort! I have so little faith in God, born of such a sense of independence and confidence in man. I have been marred by trials, yet my sincere belief in the Truth of the Word of God has driven me when I otherwise would have never continued. Such a pitiful worm am I, and I see it daily! It is a constant vexing to my soul. And all these…these…pleasures and riches spent in vanity and pride! To see the culture of my people and know my own mind has been so poisoned by it! Oh! My soul is vexed daily!

I ask for you all to pray for me, as I have confidence you sincerely will. I have never before felt such resistance in my heart and soul. I have never before faced such spiritual trials as this! Dark powers cling to me and drag me down! Yet I cannot afford to give in. I so often doubt my own salvation and sometimes even the Truth of God’s existence! Yet it has been proven over and over. I cannot convince myself it is not true. But there is still a war waging within me. I ask for prayer for victory! I ask for prayer for peace within! I ask for prayer for hope and joy and life to return to a soul which has been so long dormant! I ask for the breath of God to enter my lungs and fill me up again! That my life may be an everlasting light, shining more and more unto the perfect day! That my life may be an overflowing fountain where many a traveller may stop and drink! That my life may be a mighty instrument of the Lord, to do His will and win many souls, bringing hope to the desolate, light to the darkness, help to the helpless, freedom to those in bonds! May I be like Isaiah:

(Isaiah 61:1-3)

The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me;

because the Lord hath anointed me to preach good tidings unto the meek;

he hath sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives,

and the opening of the prison to them that are bound;

To proclaim the acceptable year of the Lord,

and the day of vengeance of our God;

to comfort all that mourn;

To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion,

to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning,

the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness;

that they might be called trees of righteousness,

the planting of the Lord, that he might be glorified.

(KJV)

I’m sorry for such a long rant on my own behalf, but I need prayer desperately. I shall pray the same for us all. That we all may be mighty instruments of the Lord, working His will in desolate places full of hopeless people!

(1Corinthians 1:25-31)

Because the foolishness of God is wiser than men; and the weakness of God is stronger than men.

For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh, not many mighty, not many noble, are called:

But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty;

And base things of the world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which are not, to bring to nought things that are:

That no flesh should glory in his presence.

But of him are ye in Christ Jesus, who of God is made unto us wisdom, and righteousness, and sanctification, and redemption:

That, according as it is written, He that glorieth, let him glory in the Lord.

(KJV)

Honestly, this was not what this article was to be about. It was to be about brotherly and sisterly love in Christ. More about it, rather. For there is yet one more passage I would like to share (I apologize for this article’s length!) that has truly touched my life in this respect and has brought me to tears in reading it before. May God continue in making me more like Him and allow me the priveledge of growing in Him daily. May God make me more loving and concerned with others! If any of you wish for prayer or any thing, please let me know! I wish whole-heartedly to quit my addiction to myself and esteem others better than myself! Allow me, I pray thee, to end with this:

(Philippians 2:1-16)

If there be therefore any consolation in Christ, if any comfort of love, if any fellowship of the Spirit, if any bowels and mercies,

Fulfil ye my joy, that ye be likeminded, having the same love, being of one accord, of one mind.

Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.

Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.

Let this mind be in you, which was also in Christ Jesus:

Who, being in the form of God, thought it not robbery to be equal with God:

But made himself of no reputation, and took upon him the form of a servant, and was made in the likeness of men:

And being found in fashion as a man, he humbled himself, and became obedient unto death, even the death of the cross.

Wherefore God also hath highly exalted him, and given him a name which is above every name:

That at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, of things in heaven, and things in earth, and things under the earth;

And that every tongue should confess that Jesus Christ is Lord, to the glory of God the Father.

Wherefore, my beloved, as ye have always obeyed, not as in my presence only, but now much more in my absence, work out your own salvation with fear and trembling.

For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.

Do all things without murmurings and disputings:

That ye may be blameless and harmless, the sons of God, without rebuke, in the midst of a crooked and perverse nation, among whom ye shine as lights in the world;

Holding forth the word of life; that I may rejoice in the day of Christ, that I have not run in vain, neither laboured in vain.

(KJV)

May the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you all!

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12 thoughts on “Seeking Yet Undeserving-The Journey of a Little Maiden for Jesus

  1. Sanae .T says:

    Kegan, what I want to tell you to hear about this big struggle you have now is ‘Please be true .’ We cannot tell all the things to others,but can God.If you feel difficulties to pray Him,tell Him what you feel truly. I think to be true is more important to be great,as once I write in my comment in Jessica’s blog.

    When I was 23 yrs old(after I believed Jesus at the age of 20.),I was caught in unescapable struggle and lonliness.I could not understand why God allowed me to feel like this.I asked God again and again.’Do You really know what I feel and my struggle?’. After this hard time passed, I seldom remember it.I got the job after university graduation,got so busy.Several years later,God explained the reason why I had to spend the struggle. It was for me to understand suffering that my husband(at that time fiancee) once experienced. I guess I could not understand what he said if I had not the hard time.

    I know that Satan-the darkness also suppress us. But if there God’s will,He can turn over bad things to good.Kegan,please let me pray for you. Love in Christ

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dearest Sanae-san,

      Thank you so much for your kind words! I have been doing better, though I feel like Satan is trying hard to get me down. Thank you ever so much for your prayers!

      It is true that God allows us to go through such fires for His reasons. We often do not know why. But He has good reason for our good (Romans 8:28). I have struggled with bouts of depression all my life. But this has been different. It is more like a cloud. Like a war and constant struggle. I pray that God keeps me close to Him always. God works so many things at one time that we may never in this life know all the reasons, but I trust God to get me through as He has so often before. God is good, all the time!

      Thank you again for all your sweet encouragement! I don’t know what I would do without you, Sanae-san!

      Yours ever in Christ,
      Kegan Cook

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  2. Sanae .T says:

    Sorry, what I want to say is ‘to be true is more important than to be great.’ I fogot the word ‘than’. English is second language for me,I still make some mistakes. I hope you do not mind.Thank you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dearest Kegan, I read through your writings carefully. First of all, I’d like to say that you are so so welcome to share with us. We are created for each other and we do need each other. Our modern fragmented society tries to make us believe that we are like isolated islands but it is not biblical at all. Jesus taught us to pray; “Our” Father in heaven, not “my” Father in heaven.

    If we are truly sisters in Christ, our first and foremost priority is our brethren (sisters) (Matthew 12:47-50).

    Kegan, as Sanae said, we will continue to pray for you and support you. Don’t hesitate to express yourself. Don’t think you are writing too long. Sometimes, we all want to write long or say much. When I first started to read the Bible with one Korean sister (who was 4 years older than I ), she used to listen to my rant, struggling, joys and sadness every week! I was 21 year old at that time. Before that, I had never imagined that someone on this earth had patience or willingness to listen to other’s struggles.

    Moreover, “chosen vessel” has much more struggles and trials. As Sanae wisely said, you will understand the reason of the current struggles in His time. (mostly for the purpose of edifying and helping others.)

    Love and Sisterly affection,
    Kinuko

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dearest Kinuko-san,

      Thank you so much for your kind words! They are very encouraging. I do not know what I would do without you and Sanae-san! Your words are so true. And I am grateful for your patience with me. May God bless you abundantly!

      Yours ever with love and sisterly affection,
      Kegan Cook

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  4. Keegan, you reminded me how three years ago I went through such deep depression, that I tried to kill myself 3 times, but everytime I attempted to took my life, I would get stopped by either a friend or something else.
    Looking back, I know that God had purpose for for it. I became stronger. I know it might not seem to you at that moment that God is not working, but he does. When we are weak his strength shines through us more.
    Glorifying Him when we suffer matters so much more.
    In Christ,
    Irina

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    • Dearest Sister Irina,

      Thank you so much for your sweet encouragement! I know God has a plan for everything and it all works out for our good (Romans 8:28). Thank you for taking time to share with me your story. God is so good always! I will take all this to heart.

      Yours ever in Christ,
      Kegan Cook

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  5. Dear Kegan

    Kegan, you are not alone! And your prayer will be realized in Jesus Christ. We proclaim with faith that;

    “Your life may be an everlasting light, shining more and more unto the perfect day!.

    That your life may be an overflowing fountain where many a traveller may stop and drink.

    That your life may be a mighty instrument of the Lord, to do His will and win many souls, bringing hope to the desolate, light to the darkness, help to the helpless, freedom to those in bonds!”

    Our feelings sometimes deceive us. The only place we can truly rely on is His promise. When His promise proclaims that you are a child of God (John 1) then no matter what the other forces whisper you, you are a child of God.

    with much love to you,
    Kinuko

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dearest Kinuko-san,

      Thank you so much! I needed that. It is such a blessing to be among such sweet sisters with such an overflowing passion for our Saviour! I am so happy to know you. I will take what you said to heart and seek God most of all.

      Yours ever,
      Kegan Cook

      Like

  6. Dear Kegan,
    I feel such compassion for your inner battles! I think we have all passed through difficult periods at different times of our lives, and so we can understand what you are feeling. I have experienced many of the same struggles. Sometimes I ask God, “If I truly have Your Spirit within me, why is my life not producing more fruit? What’s wrong with me?” Something that I am learning right now, is that God is using different circumstances, people, books, etc. to teach me. I don’t hear His voice, I don’t see lightning, I don’t experience a miraculous transformation of character. No. God puts/allows trials in my life, and then I HAVE to grow as I do my best to face them. He reveals my weak spots. He sifts the garbage out. God brings a book or article across my path at exactly the time when I need it the most. God puts words into someone else’s mouth they never imagined nor intended that God would use to speak to my situation. The engineering is ingenious; the coordinating is flawless: God uses my circumstances to produce fruit. He wastes nothing. I don’t see it right away, just like we don’t see the change of the seasons as something that happens all at once. It happens gradually. I have ceased to measure my life in years; I now measure it in decades. Looking back in this way, I can see the changes more clearly. Yes, there HAS been change! Yes, there IS fruit! Each decade produces a more bountiful crop.

    Don’t give up! Kegan, you are precious to God, and to me. You are my dear sister! I greatly admire you, and have been inspired by your writings! I will pray for you. Keep up the good work.
    Jessica

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dearest Sister Jessica,

      Thank you so much for your ever-inspiring words! I am very grateful…
      It is true. I think about my experience with art. The Bible talks about God being the potter and us being the clay and how we are daily being changed. When making any masterpiece, you take precious time to make each detail right. I feel that when we are first converted, it is like God making a sketch. As time goes on, he erases here and there, fixes this and that, darkens in this line, etc. It takes very much time, but in the end we will be a glorious masterpiece! What a thought! Yes, He is molding us all the while. :’) And thought it is frustrating at times, He never forsakes us or ceases to work on us if we allow Him to. And I love what you said, “He never wastes anything.” So true! I am a living testimony of this! How wonderful and mighty our God is! May our breaths ever resound to praise of our God!
      May your day be very much abounding in fruit for our Lord Jesus Christ!

      Your little, learning sister,
      Kegan Cook

      Liked by 1 person

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